Why Is God Taking His Sweet Time?

Cindi McMenamin

"I can't believe I'm in my 30s and I'm still dating," my friend blurted out one afternoon. "If I'm going to be married someday I need to meet someone soon. I want to have children and my best child-bearing years are slipping away fast!"

Amy is dealing with impatience as well: "I've been trying to get pregnant for two years now," she complained to me. "My mom keeps telling me to wait on the Lord for His timing. But my being patient isn't speeding things up any."

Bobbie Jo's song sounded similar: "If I'm not promoted within a year, I'll leave this job and find another one," she said confidently. "I'm not into waiting around."

Often to our surprise - and disappointment - God is.

The more I search the scriptures, the more I find that our God is a God of waiting. He takes His time to accomplish things, whether it be something we're hoping for, a change in an individual's life, or a significant event in history. God is apparently in no hurry.

We, on the contrary, are just the opposite. We live in a fast-food, fast-track, fast-paced world that refuses to slow down. And when your hurried "get it now" lifestyle, designed to eliminate the wait, runs into God's patient process, we find ourselves hit smack in the face with frustration.

Perhaps it's easy for God to take His sweet time in doing things. After all, He is eternal. He literally has all the time in the world. We, on the other hand, do not. The older we get, the more we realize how quickly time has already rushed past us and how little time we may have left. We fear opportunities are slipping away and so we race the clock by planning out our lives and continually telling ourselves - and God - to hurry up.

We all pretty much try to plan our lives. We have a certain blueprint of what we'd like the finished product to look like. There's nothing wrong with planning. Biblically, we're encouraged to plan and set goals (Proverbs 16:9). But the trouble with having our timetables is that it gives us a false sense of control. Some of those things on the timetable we might be able to accomplish if we work hard enough at it and ultimately, if it's part of God's will. But as children of God, we have to be open to anything at any time that could take us off our intended fast track and put us on another timeline.

I remember being determined to complete my college education in four years. If it took any longer, I figured it would mark me as a failure. Just prior to my fourth year, I received an opportunity to edit my college newspaper, which would give me valuable job experience upon graduation. But in order to take that position and excel in it, I needed to scale down my class load and that would mean staying in school an extra semester or two. I chose to take the editing position and graduated a year later. Looking back now, if I had graduated in four years as I had originally planned, I would've missed the opportunity to meet my husband. I would've cheated myself out of a major blessing and my life as I know it today, if I had been determined to keep my time schedule, rather than be open to the Lord's intervention.

I know many people who are better off today because the Lord intervened in their timetable…because He made them wait for something they wanted right away.

Whether it's getting married, having children, receiving a promotion, accomplishing a dream, being healed of an illness, or anything else that is slow-coming, God delays sometimes simply to teach us the value of waiting upon Him.

Waiting makes us dependent on God. When things aren't happening, regardless of our efforts, we must depend on the Only One who can make things happen. This, of course, takes us out of the driver's seat and gives God the controls. Likewise, when we can't speed things up, but must be patient for results, we are forced to acknowledge that we are helpless and that we need God. This teaches us to no longer depend on ourselves, but to depend on our Father in Heaven.

Waiting teaches us faith. Scripture tells us "without faith it is impossible to please God." (Hebrews 11:6). It couldn't be more simply said. God wants us in the waiting room to stretch us and teach us that "faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen" (Hebrews 11:1).

Waiting puts us in proper perspective. By realizing we are not in control of the timing of certain things makes us realize that we actually have no control over anything that happens. God gives us the very air we breathe. He keeps our hearts pumping. He holds the lives of our loved ones in His hands. Having a proper understanding of the fact that the Lord is in charge and He sets His own timetables, causes us to precede our statements and plans with the phrase: "Lord willing" (James 4:14-15).

Waiting helps us develop patience, thereby growing a fruit of the Spirit. Whenever we begin to develop one of the fruits of the Spirit we begin a process of spiritual maturity. We are developing characteristics of Jesus Christ, which is our goal as people of God. Patience is not only one of the fruits of the spirit, it is a pre-requisite to being a "bond servant" of the Lord. (2 Tim. 2:24).

Waiting forces us to be still before God. Regardless of how quickly this world races by, our God still wants us to wait on Him and for Him. By learning to just be still and meditate on the goodness of God (Psalm 46:10), we will begin to see a maturity and calmness in our lives that wasn't there before.

How Repentance Heals the Broken Heart

By Jan Coates with Rebekah Montgomery

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts" (Psalm 139:23)

Technology allows doctors to perform surgical miracles, including replacing a heart valve. However, science still can't detect a broken heart. Doctors may dismiss the pain as “all in your head.”

But we know better, don't we?

The Great Physician intimately understands pain. He knows what causes broken hearts. He alone offers a cure.

A Broken Heart Beats With Fear

Fear of death--especially of going to hell.

Fear of being unlovable.

Fear of more hurt and abuse.

Fear of being unworthy of God's love. And unforgivable.

Past experiences can make you Satan’s perfect target for deception—complete with distorted thinking, bitterness, anger, distrust—and fear.

And the fear is justified. Based on the Scriptures, we are hell-deserving sinners:

Sin is an offense against God. (Psalm 51:4)

Sin is failure to reach God's perfect standard. (Romans 3:23)

Sin is failure to obey God's law. (1 John 3:4)

Sin is failure to do the good we know we should do. (James 4:17)

But Christ paid the debt for sin through his death on the cross. When we trust Jesus, fear is replaced with love and confidence. His forgiveness is continual. He stands ready with open arms—no sin too big or too small to forgive. He obliterates our pasts.

We need God's forgiveness to remove guilt and shame so we can move forward to healing.

True Repentance Comforts and Heals

True repentance leads a person to say, "I have sinned" and prove it with a 180-degree change of their direction.

Repentance requires true brokenness.

Repentance is NOT asking the Lord for forgiveness with the intent to sin again.

Repentance is an honest, regretful acknowledgement of sin with commitment to change.

Repentance leads us to cultivate godliness while eradicating habits that lead into sin.

Oswald Chambers said: "The entrance into the kingdom of God is through the sharp, sudden pains of repentance colliding with man's respectable `goodness.' … Strictly speaking, a person cannot repent when he chooses--repentance is a gift of God. The old Puritans used to pray for `the gift of tears.' If you ever cease to understand the value of repentance, you allow yourself to remain in sin."

And brokenness.

Repentance is difficult. Begin the healing journey to repentance with prayer, perhaps a written letter to God recounting sins or journaling. As the Holy Spirit continually convicts of past sins, write them down and pray over them. The Holy Spirit will guide every step of the way to healing.

A Prostitute Forgiven and Healed

Luke 7:36-50 speaks of an unnamed woman—a known prostitute—who arrives at a house where Jesus is dining with Pharisees.

Realizing Jesus could forgive her, this notorious sinner began to weep. Her heart ached over her many sins. As tears continued to flow, she washed Jesus' feet with her tears, wiping them with her hair

Simon, a Pharisee, was shocked that Jesus would allow a harlot to touch him. Pharisees were careful to not touch sinners. They thought all sin, like colored dye in water, could contaminate them.

Jesus told Simon the story of a man who had two debtors: One owed 500 silver pieces, the other fifty. Neither could pay so the man forgave both. Jesus asked Simon which of the debtors would love the man more. Simon rightly replied that the one with the largest debt would love the most.

Jesus made the point to Simon—and us—that the woman's many sins had been forgiven for she loved much. She showed Jesus how much she loved him.

Jesus faces the woman: "Your sins are forgiven. … Your faith has saved you; go in peace." (Luke 7:48, 50)

Think about it for a moment: Forgiveness and healing is Jesus' basis for seeking and receiving sinners. By trusting in Jesus’ loving heart, we can also know forgiveness of our sins and healing of brokenness.

Hear Jesus' words: “Your sins are forgiven... Your faith has saved you. Go in peace.”

He is speaking to you, too.

Defending "The Cost of Delaying Marriage"

By Candice Z. Watters

"I cannot recall a time when an article stirred such anger in me.... I am SHOCKED that Focus on the Family would allow such an article to be placed on its website." " I must say that I can hardly find words to properly express my horror at the bogus expert that was posted on your website."

So began two of many emails we received complaining about "The Cost of Delaying Marriage," an excerpt from Danielle Crittenden's book What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us. The women who wrote those messages were not alone in their sentiments. More than any other article we've run on Boundless, this one stirred up strong emotions, especially among singles.

I wasn't surprised by the response -- it was very much like what we received the first time we ran this excerpt six years ago. But I was discouraged. Discouraged by the possibility that we haven't made more progress on the issue of singleness in the church. And concerned that many readers seemingly found her article more controversial this time around.

Thankfully the response wasn’t monolithic. After mentioning all the negative responses to readers of our weekly email update, lots more readers wrote in to applaud Danielle's stance. And to all of you, I say thanks. It was heartening to know marriage is still esteemed among many.

And yet I think it's important to answer some of the more troubling, and common complaints we received. For those of you who are still fuming from what we published, this response is for you.

Jesus Is Enough

The top complaint from singles that want to get married but haven't yet had the opportunity has a spiritual bent. It goes something like this: The single years are more virtuous than the married ones, characterized by more faithful, focused and selfless living for the Kingdom. Christ is the sum total of what fulfills us -- to suggest that marriage can, or should fulfill us, is to devalue the role of Christ in our lives. Simply put: all we need is Jesus.

The response to this could be an article in itself, because this belief seems to be an emerging motto of Christian singles everywhere. There's just one problem: Adam had perfect communion with God in the Garden of Eden and still God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him" (Genesis 2:18) Everything else about Eden was said to be "good" by God. Everything, that is, except a man. Alone.

People who claim that Jesus is enough typically quote 1 Corinthians 7. In it Paul says, "It is good for a man not to marry" and "an unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit." Paul is describing celibate service -- a calling God places on a select few men and women. Though Paul does say, "I wish that all men were as I am," he goes on to say, "But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that." The gift Paul is describing is celibacy -- a gift that equips a person to not "burn with passion" while enabling them to fully expend themselves in God's service without the distractions of spouse and children.

How do you know if you have this gift? Dr. Albert Mohler , president of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary and member of Focus' board of directors suggests asking yourself, "can I go the rest of my life without sex, without the companionship of marriage, without having children and without being bitter about it?" If you answer yes, it's likely you do.

For everyone else, the call is to marriage. To marry doesn't diminish the need for Christ. In fact, it increases it: The reason Christian marriage requires a vow is that no mere promise is enough to hold two mortals together for life. We're dependent on Christ to help us fulfill it.

It's Not My Fault

Some writers -- women especially -- were frustrated by their singleness, admittedly wanting to be married but never having had the opportunity to do so. They were offended by Danielle's assertion that women who are still single in their 30s and beyond must be that way because they disregarded the many proposals they received in their 20s. Though some devoted their 20s primarily to education and career development -- implying that their focus was not on finding a mate -- most in this category were put off by the notion that their singleness was their choice.

One example: "Do I sound bitter? I am really not bitter. I am frustrated, because I see articles that do not seem to present the other side of the story, that despite our best efforts, some of us have just not met someone. That sometimes a person does not have a choice about delaying marriage, because the possibility has never presented itself.

And another: "I don't want to sound like a complainer, but I think that the delayed marriage factor has a lot to do with Christian men as well as women. I find it frustrating to be accused of being very independent when I haven't even had the option of anything else! It's not like I had ten suitors on my doorstep, and I turned down marriage at 20. I didn't have the option of marriage at 20 or even 30. … I need the support of the Christian community. Your Boundless article seems to put us all in the bucket of waiting too long or too late. But what about just waiting, because that's your only choice."

I think this writer is on to something. The problem of delayed marriage has a lot to do with men who won't take initiative. Women want to be pursued and men are charged by God to be the pursuers. Proverbs says, "he who finds a wife, " Finds. That's no passive verb. It's active. It instructs the man who wants God's blessing to get out there and look. And to the men we say, get going. It's time you accept the challenge to pursue marriage.

To the women, I say stop glorifying the single years as a super-holy season of just you and Jesus. Yes, being single does provide the chance to be uniquely intimate with Jesus. Enjoy that. But don't advertise it. Why? Because it gives guys permission to kick back and let you. If they think you're perfectly happy as a single, why wouldn't they let you stay that way? Especially when so many of them are gun shy. Thanks to a 50 percent (give or take a few points) divorce rate and absentee dad problem, many of them grew up without a mentor (their dad) and without a godly model for what marriage should look like. Many of them are scared, and for good reason.

Now to you women, that's not an excuse to bash men. You have an important ability to help them move toward marriage. How? By esteeming it. By not being embarrassed about wanting it. By going after it -- to a point. You can nurture men toward marriage by helping them see that it contains a lot of what they're looking for, even if they don't yet know it. Think of Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life. He's depressed that once again, his plans to get out of small town America and see the world have been thwarted and he's left tending the family business with just his mom and alcoholic uncle for companionship. He's questioning his very existence; longing to know his destiny. What's his mom's suggestion? "Why don't you go talk to Mary," she says. "I'll bet she could help you find the answers you're looking for."

Marriage holds the possibility of partnership, adventure, creativity, challenge and many more of the things we long for, but try to obtain with inferior pursuits. As Amy and Leon Kass observed in their roles as professors at the University of Chicago, "…we detect among our students certain (albeit sometimes unarticulated) longings -- for friendship, for wholeness, for a life that is serious and deep, and for associations that are trustworthy and lasting -- longings that they do not realize could be largely satisfied by marrying well." (Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar, p. 2)

Singles Have More Fun

Crittenden's article artificially elevates marriage while underestimating the value of living single, independent and free, said some. What's so bad about choosing to be single? It's a lot more fun, they argued.

Ms. Crittenden's article is critical of single women and suggests that we have somehow missed God's plan for our lives by doing what we want to do. She states that we single 30 year old women have a second-rate life that can only be tolerated. In addition, without men that we will remain unfulfilled and sad.

And another:

"Yes, God makes some of us to be parents and spouses as part of our identy," wrote one. "But he also gives us spiritual gifts that allow us to contribute to our church; he gives us friends to enrich our lives; he gives us talents to praise him; he gives us careers that fulfill our dreams. Being single doesn't cancel out my identity. And to hear that my identity as a child of God is not complete without a spouse is judgmental and disturbing."

It's not about identity. It's about obedience. When it comes to marriage, we don't need a burning bush to know if it's God's will. He's already told us it is. If we're not specially gifted to be celibate, we're called to marriage. There's no third option; no lifestyle choice to remain single because it's more fun or more fulfilling or more spiritual than being married. Yes, if you're gifted with a calling to celibacy, a la Paul, then that is your duty. But if you're not -- and Scripture is clear that most of us aren't -- then our calling is marriage.

For women, that means remaining open to the possibility, praying boldly for the opportunity and living intentionally so as not to undermine your prospects. For men, it means "finding a wife" and "leaving and cleaving;" taking initiative -- looking at the women you know, identifying the ones who would be a godly wife and good mother and pursuing one of them. Be active.

For both men and women it means living purely -- being faithful with your sexuality -- actively participating in Christian community and being a good steward of your time, money and talents. These are all things that protect and prepare you for the commitment of marriage.

Marriageandbabies Isn't One Word

Not all women want to raise families others pointed out.

This letter explained, "I have a Christian friend who's married and absolutely loathes small children. The thought of changing a diaper is disgusting to her. She will probably never have children even though she's found the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with."

Now that my two little ones are potty trained I can say with all honesty, changing diapers is a disgusting thing. But's that's no reason not to have children. Especially as believers. It's only since the advent of pharmaceutical birth control that humans even had the option of choosing marriage while remaining closed to the possibility -- and blessing -- of children. And it's only since people started writing their own wedding vows that we stopped including the part about promising to receive children and raise them to know God.

Severing the link between marriage and children is a modern concept, born of material wealth, political freedom and technological advancements. But just because we can do something doesn't mean we should. God has not revoked His charge to the first couple, Adam and Eve, to be fruitful and multiply. (And contrary to public opinion, we're in dire need of more, not fewer, people on this earth.) When we marry and choose not to have children, we violate our very design and disobey our God. (We've talked at length about this on Boundless, including articles by J. Budziszewski and Matt Kaufman.)

Men are Jerks

One writer quoted Crittenden:

The 33-year-old single woman who decides she wants more from life than her career cannot so readily walk into marriage and children; by postponing them, all she has done is to push them ahead to a point in her life when she has less sexual power to attain them.

And had this to say,

"Gee, thanks. So, women over 30 aren't sexy enough to get a man, we better get them while we are young and perky?"

It's amazing how much of the world's mentality we've absorbed as Christians. It's not about "getting a man," it's about being in reality about when a woman is most likely to marry and still be able to have children. Youth is a wonderful thing for meeting eligible mates (thanks in large part to our system of higher education), having the time to date (again, thanks to college) and for pregnancy. The older a woman gets, the harder it is for her to conceive and the more likely she'll have complications if she does.

Still another writer said it's our fault for making men look bad. "Crittenden takes a very critical and unflattering view of men," she wrote. "She appears to assume that the good men only want women while they're still young, sexually attractive and fertile. Crittenden mentions nothing of men who may simply want partners they can love and connect with on a deeper emotional basis, and men who care nothing of age, fertility or looks and instead want intellectual and emotional equals.

Men and women are different. It's well established by Christian and secular researchers alike that men are more sight oriented than women and that looks matter a great deal to men when it comes to issues of attraction. If that's all they care about, we call them shallow. But to suggest that men should forgo externals and focus instead on deep emotional connections is to ask men to think like women.

As a woman, I'll venture to say that we women still hold a lot of sway over men. Next time you're verbalizing your contentment with being single (especially if what you really want is to marry) or going after one more degree or one more promotion, remember, men are watching. In many areas, they still look to us for cues.

Consider what Boundless reader Mark T. had to say:

This is a welcome breath of fresh air for a male in his early 20s with a professional degree, and the beginnings of a career that would love nothing more than to be able to share his life with someone, but only seems to meet young attractive and ambitious women that want to pursue the independent lifestyle for another 10 years all by themselves.

Did We Make a Mistake?

Sometimes we run things on Boundless that we don't completely agree with in order to get readers thinking, or thinking in a different direction. Sometimes we spotlight an article, author or movie to point out where we think they're wrong.

This was not one of those articles.

Danielle's excerpt is one thing we stand behind fully. She's on to something important and even though she doesn't write from an explicitly Christian perspective, the issues she raises are critical to the church. Boundless isn't alone in thinking this. Dr. Dobson interviewed Danielle about her book for a recent Focus on the Family broadcast (incidentally this was a re-air of the show, originally recorded in 1999).

Afterward, Dr. Mohler called this excerpt "a must read" on his blog. Saying, "This is an issue I address often, and I appreciate Crittenden's thoughtful analysis -- as well as her perspective as a woman.... The article is really important. Her intelligent celebration of marriage is refreshing."

We're glad to know the article got you thinking -- even if you wrote to say you totally disagree with it. And we hope you'll prayerfully consider the reasons we so thoroughly endorse it. Yes, hoping for and getting married requires some serious risk-taking, especially in this culture. But it's still a divine gift worth pursuing and receiving.

Saving Yourself for Marriage

By Lee Wilson

You may think I'm only talking about sex or physical purity. But I'm not. There's a lot more you can save for your spouse, if that's what you choose.

I used to struggle with the idea of saving sex for my spouse. I knew it was the right thing to do, but I couldn't help but think I was missing out. I was, but it would have been only a temporary sacrifice that would have turned into a priceless investment.

Saving sex for your spouse is not the only thing that will pay great dividends. Though sex is a very special and sacred experience between a man and woman who love each other and have committed to each other by marriage, it is not the be all and end all of the male/female relationship. It's just one important part of several areas that are found in a healthy marriage.

What if the mindset of a single was not just "I'll save sex for marriage," but "I'll save myself" for my future spouse?

How Do You Save Yourself?

Saving yourself, as I define it, means that you save more than just sex. You save other special things like kisses, touches, and "I love you's." It may sound far-fetched or even very old-fashioned, but can you imagine the feeling of joy and love you'd have if you knew that your spouse had not even kissed another person? Ever? Or if the first time he/she ever said, "I love you," it was to you!

Imagine the privilege and honor of having a spouse who didn't just save sex for you, but saved absolutely everything! You can take this as far as you choose. Maybe you don't even want to hold another person's hand before you hold the hand of the one who commits to you for life. Or maybe saving just sex is enough for you. I can't make your decision. I can't even speak from the successful "saving" of myself. But I can speak from the experience of being married and being part of an organization that has worked with nearly 100,000 married couples.

I can tell you that if more couples saved everything for each other, many marriage-harming issues would not exist in their relationship. There wouldn't be haunting memories of past sexual encounters. There wouldn't be feelings of jealousy towards those who had physical experiences with someone's husband or wife. There wouldn't be the mindset that says, "Since I've had sex with someone else, what's the harm in doing it with another someone else?" Or, "Since she's had sex with someone else, what does it matter if I do, too?"

Perhaps the best part would be the sense of sacredness that saving oneself completely brings to a marriage. She doesn't have to share him with anyone—past, present or future. And neither does he.

Trust me, people don't leave marriages like that. Why would they?

I'm not saying it will be easy. In fact, I imagine it will be extremely difficult. But on your marriage night, when you give yourself to your spouse without bringing someone else's memory with you, you'll probably consider it to be your greatest accomplishment in life.

If you haven't saved yourself, start today. Wouldn't it be great to be able to say that you committed to your spouse even before you met him or her? Or decided to marry? Save as much of yourself as you can.

Remember this rule: The more you save for your spouse, the more you'll have to give and the more you are able to receive. It's worth it. Trust me.

The Different Needs of Men and Women

By Les and Leslie Parrott

The other day we received this letter from a newly engaged couple.

"I hear a lot of talk about how men and women have different needs, and I am the first to admit it's true. However, I have a tough time trying to pinpoint these needs so that I can better understand my fiancée. I think she feels the same way about me. Can you help?"

Every cell of our bodies, as men and women, differ. The skeletal structure, for example, of women is shorter and broader. Women's blood contains fewer red cells, making them tire more easily. Women have a larger stomach, kidneys, liver, and appendix, but smaller lungs. Scores of other physical differences may influence the way each person in a relationship feels and behaves. But in addition to the more obvious physical differences between the genders, societal expectations and modeling contribute to a plethora of differences between the sexes - all culminating in several gender-specific unique needs.

Many relational problems evolve because men try to meet needs that they would value and women do the same. The problem is that since the needs of men and women are often so different, we waste effort trying to meet the wrong needs. If we ware truly committed to valuing our life partners, we must not only understand and appreciate our partner's differences, but we must commit ourselves to meeting their unique needs.

Willard F. Harley, in his popular book His Needs, Her Needs, has given us a great tool to do just that. He identifies the ten most important martial needs of men and women. You may or may not agree with all of them, but they can serve as a good discussion starter:

She needs affection - It symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval. A hug expresses affection. For the typical wife, there can hardly be enough of them.

He needs sexual fulfillment - Just as women crave affection, so to do men want sex. And they don't just want their wives to make their bodies available. They need to feel their wife is as invested in sex as they are.

She needs conversation - Not just talk about her husband's problems or achievements, but about her problems and her hopes. She needs quality conversation on a daily basis.

He needs recreational companionship - After sex, the need for recreation rates highest for men. He needs time spent in a mutually satisfying activity - whether it is sports, shopping, cooking, painting, etc.

She needs honesty and openness - Mistrust destroys a woman's marital security. If a husband does not keep up honest communication with his wife, he eventually undermines her trust and destroys any hope of security.

He needs an attractive spouse - A man does not need a supermodel for a wife, but he wants her to make an effort to be attractive to him. He wants her to dress in clothes he likes and do her hair in a style that is appealing to him.

She needs financial support - A husband's failure to provide sufficient income sends shudders through the underpinnings of a marriage. A woman needs to know that her husband is taking care of their family's needs and their future.

He needs domestic support - Old-fashioned or not, most men fantasize about a loving, pleasant home where few hassles occur and life runs smoothly.

She needs family commitment - Wives want their husbands to take a strong role in the marriage and express how important it is to them. They need to see evidence of a strong commitment to family life that is not overshadowed by work or anything else.

He needs admiration - Honest admiration is a great motivator for most men. When a woman tells her husband (who has been sweating it out at work) that she thinks he's wonderful, it inspires him and keeps him going.

Like we said, you may not agree with all of these "needs," but the number of people who have bought and read Harley's book is enough reason to take them seriously and discuss how each of your particular sets of needs differ.

Remember, if you commit yourself to meeting the unique needs of your partner, you will become irresistible to each other and insure faithfulness in your marriage. You will build a relationship that sustains romance, increases intimacy, and deepens awareness year after year.

With Those Who Rejoice

By Carolyn McCulley

Mixed in with the bills and advertising mailers, there it is: another wedding invitation. Addressed to you alone, no "and guest" invited.

Waiting in the e-mail inbox is another happy announcement, along with the photos of the sparkly ring: Another friend is happily engaged.

At the mall, you spot a former classmate — and her conspicuous baby bump. Another baby shower invitation lurks in your future.

You? You still wait. And wait.

At first, waiting is hard. Hope lurks around the corner of every new situation. But experience eventually confers a steely resignation. It doesn't even feel good to cry anymore. Self-pity has lost its allure.

Then, the quiet voice of the Holy Spirit breaks into your grey fog of dashed hopes. In a heart filled with unexpectant apathy, these gentle words bubble up in the first moments of waking: "Rejoice with those who rejoice."

Impossible, you think drowsily. I need to withdraw from those happy, shiny people. That's how I manage it, this guarding my heart. Opening your eyes, anger surges over the first light of the day. God, you gave them what I want. But you haven't given it to me. And you want me to rejoice about it?! I don't think that's even possible.

In View of God's Mercy

Ah, but it is possible, you know. It's not only possible, it's a biblical command. A command, however, that is wrapped in grace and sprinkled with hope. Far from a "grit your teeth and just do it" order from an unsympathetic superior, this directive springs from mercy.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice" is found in Romans chapter 12. This chapter begins with a "therefore," which draws our gaze to the preceding paragraph of praise and worship (doxology):

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor? Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen. (Romans 11:33-36, ESV)

All things are from him and through him and to him. Therefore? Yes, therefore look at life through the widescreen view of his mercy.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God — this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:1-3, NIV)

At first glance, this passage seems addressed primarily to men because of the limitations of English translation — "brothers." But the Greek word there refers to siblings in a family. So, sisters, let's apply this to ourselves. In view of God's mercy, when the grumbling starts in the waking moments of the day, one way to rejoice with those who rejoice is not to gut it out, but to change your focus. Renew your mind by thinking on what's right and true about God — most specifically, the jaw-dropping mercy you've already received as a forgiven and adopted daughter.

Rejoicing begins when we look at our situation in view of God's mercy and with worship for his manifold perfections. Instead of holy wrath for our sins and disobedience, we've received mercy for our pride and rebellion. A mind conformed to this world always starts with a reference point of Me, Myself, and I. But a mind transformed is one whose reference point is the character of God.

Unfortunately, we tend to wander from this truth. We're like a toddler with her eyes fixed on a new toy or ice-cream treat. God keeps telling us to look him in the eyes and pay attention to what he is telling us, but we're tugging at his hand and focused elsewhere. We might cut our eyes back at him for a second, as if to say, "Yeah, yeah, I hear you, but did you see this thing?" It's just as hard to get our eyes on the truth of the gospel as it is to arrest the attention of a fixated and fidgety toddler.

This is the first step in rejoicing with those who rejoice: To sit back for a moment to consider our current situation "in view of God's mercy."

The Many Form One Body

As the 12th chapter of Romans unfolds, we find the second step to rejoicing over the blessings of others: We're in this together.

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. (Romans 12:3-5, NIV)

We should not think of ourselves more highly than we ought. But isn't that what we're doing when we turn our gaze from the mercies of God and start coveting the blessing of another? Hey, I deserve that blessing, too! I'm good enough — I should have all that I do have and that, too! This passage goes on to note that we have each been given gifts that differ according to the grace given to us — and that these gifts are for the benefit of serving each other. There's no need to covet someone's gifts or abilities, because they are bestowed for the benefit of the entire body.

Even with something as personal and specific as marriage and children, this passage helps us to sit back and once again view life through the widescreen of God's mercies. In an age when marriage is esteemed so lightly and dissolved so quickly, when so many children are aborted before they are born, when there's so much disagreement over what marriage and family life should look like — isn't it amazing that the Lord cuts through all this selfish and sinful clutter to provide spouses and families to any of his children?

It's an uphill battle in our age to commit to and live out a godly marriage. Period. Yes, it would be nice if we were blessed in a similar manner, but we can rejoice that God is still providing these blessings to his people. When we can see God's goodness in the corporate sense — the many blessings in the body — it truly is a cause for celebration.

Overcome Evil with Good

The rest of this chapter outlines the behavior that demonstrates the final command in Romans, chapter 12: "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (v. 21). We are to love without hypocrisy, outdo one another in showing honor, rejoice in hope, persevere in tribulation, be devoted to prayer, contribute to the needs of the saints, practice hospitality, and be of the same mind toward one another — meaning, rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who weep. Let love be genuine and in this manner we will overcome evil.

Let's be honest now. It is evil when we resent others for what they have received, isn't it? The evil is in our sinful judgment toward God and toward the happy recipient(s). The evil is in our wounded pride. The evil is in our complaining and grumbling. The evil is in our grudging participation in their celebrations. The evil is in our self-focused preoccupation with what others think of us if we don't have what they have. We're living radical Christianity when we eschew our own wisdom to take seriously these commands:

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. (Romans 12:14-16, ESV)

The pattern of this world is to compare and complain. But when we look at life in view of God's mercies, we are truly able to identify with others, including those who have reason to rejoice. Instead of allowing God's good gifts and his blessings to introduce strife and selfish ambition, we overcome evil with good by being truly thankful for what others are celebrating.

When Your Heart Longs to be Romanced

By Cindi McMenamin
When God Pursues a Woman's Heart

Let me guess. You are a woman who doesn't look forward to Valentine's Day! Whether you are single and without a special someone in your life, or married and tired of being disappointed from unmet expectations on the "Day of Romance," you are not alone.

Surveys show that countless women feel frustrated every year and let down on February 14th primarily because of unmet expectations. Women look for expressions of love that will meet their preconceived romantic notions. And many times, even well-intentioned men can't possibly compete.

In a recent study of what makes married women happy, it was found that the biggest predictor of women's happiness is their husband's emotional engagement. The extent to which he is affectionate, to which he is empathetic, to which he is basically tuned into his wife was the most important factor in predicting the wife's happiness. The study also found "if the wife had to choose between having a husband who is taking half the housework and having a husband who is really making a conscious, deliberate effort to focus emotionally on his wife, the emotional focus is much more likely to be a paramount concern."

That speaks volumes of what women want and expect. And men, who tend to be more action-oriented in how they show their love (by helping with the chores, repairing the garage door, and bringing home a paycheck) can miss the mark with us when it comes to trying to express their affections on Valentine's Day, or any time, for that matter.

That said, fulfilling a woman's idea of romance is not something most men, in particular, specialize in. In fact, many men struggle with how to convey their feelings in a way that their wives or girlfriends will understand and appreciate. And often times, what they think will impress you, doesn't.

But what if this year you took the man in your life off the hook? What if this year you focused not on your expectations or the disappointment that the "Day of Romance" tends to bring, but on the Author of Romance, Himself, and what He's been trying to show you day in and day out about how cherished you are in His sight? In other words, what if this year you looked to God to meet your expectations first and then let the man in your life (if you have one) do what he can and see it as an added bonus?

For instance, look at the tender words God says, in His Word, to and about His people:

• He calls you unforgettable: "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! (Isaiah 49:15).

• He says He has always loved you and always will: "...I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness" (Jeremiah 31:3).

• He calls Himself your Husband: "For your Maker is your husband - the Lord Almighty is his name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit…" (Isaiah 54:5-6a).

• He says His love for you is greater than anything you'll ever find on this earth: "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). And then Jesus did just that -- He laid down His life for you...one He calls "friend."

• He promises He'll never leave you: "...Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5b).

• He assures you in His Word that He has chosen you as His own: "For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight…" (Ephesians 1:4).

• He assures you in His Word that nothing will be able to separate you from His ever-pursuing love: "... neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:39).

Reading verses like that, over and over, is like re-reading portions of a love letter that resonates with our hearts. And when our emotional tank is filled - by recognizing that we are valuable, loved and pursued in the sight of an all-knowing, all-loving God - we can then receive whatever our husband or boyfriend has to offer as the "cherry on top." Or, if nothing else is offered us, we still know we are loved and we are more able and stable to deal with whatever does - or does not - come our way.

So go boldly into Valentine's Day this year, my friend, and celebrate it because of how loved and cherished you are in the eyes of the Living God. And if you have a husband or boyfriend who makes an attempt that isn't quite to your expectations, thank God for him and bless him anyway. Your "True Husband" will be watching!