Where Girls are Men and The Men are Scared!

By Michael Craven


This past week I stirred controversy by suggesting that we were losing our sense of duty and that this was reflected in a growing disdain for or indifference to self-sacrificial service, especially related to military service. Well, I want to continue to stir this pot, not because it gives me pleasure but because we're beginning to scratch the surface of a significant problem that is adversely affecting our culture and, by extension, the church.

Obviously, one of the reasons I think we see more and more young people devoid of any sense of duty is that they're not being taught the virtue of duty. Those things that must be done because one is compelled by a strong moral obligation, so strong that one would die before one surrendered this virtue—this is what I mean by a sense of duty.

This virtue is not limited to military service only, but should govern most of one's life. Men must posses a sense of duty to their wives and children, for example. A socially reinforced possession of this virtue would serve to fetter men to their moral obligations. Negatively, neglecting these obligations would be socially regarded as a shameful moral failure. I would argue that few husbands and fathers who abandon their moral obligations to their families suffer much—if any—shame, personal or social, today. In fact, we rarely speak of shame today; and when we do, it is generally met with condemnation for having made anyone feel badly about his or her immoral behavior!

Even among Christians this sentiment can be found. I've heard other Christians rebut any rebuke by quoting Romans 8:1, saying "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…" (NIV). However, if you read just a little further, you'll see that there is shame when one is disobedient (see Rom. 10:11, 1 Cor. 6:5, 1 Cor. 15:34). A loving rebuke is often a first step, which, when heeded, is followed by a warranted sense of shame and guilt that often turns a sinner to repent (see Luke 17:3).

This is one problem. In a culture in which the moral lines have become blurred—as they no doubt have in our case—there is little social reinforcement for what is good and what is bad. We simply no longer agree on these categories; if one should—as I often do—assert a specific moral position, one can count on being condemned for "intolerance," which is the worst offense possible. Of course, by tolerance we mean, "I won't tell you what you to do and you don't tell me what to do." You think this same sense exists anywhere within the church? You bet it does!

The second problem is the problem of gender confusion. In the 1950s, psychologist and Kinsey-affiliated "sexologist" Dr. John Money developed a controversial theory that challenged the traditional understanding of gender. Money argued that while we do have some innate sense of being a boy or a girl for up to two years after birth, our brains are, in effect, malleable and we can be taught to grow up as either a boy or girl by how we are raised—by the toys we are given, the guidance we receive from adults, and the clothes we are given to wear. In other words, you can completely separate psychology from biology. Money's concept became known as the "theory of gender neutrality" and undergirds much of the contemporary effort to redefine human sexuality into almost anything one wants it to be, regardless of one's biological gender. (Money applied his theory in the controversial case of David Reimer in 1966, in which he reassigned David to female gender following a botched circumcision at birth. Raised as "Brenda," the results were disastrous on many levels, ultimately leading David to commit suicide at age 38.)

The more radical elements of the feminist movement would seize this theory as the basis for a campaign to "liberate" girls from their traditional gender-specific identities. Girls would be encouraged to throw away their dolls and avoid domestic role-play. Boys could now be "reprogrammed." A new and nebulous child-rearing philosophy would slowly creep across the cultural landscape, discouraging the traditional forms of male play. No more G.I. Joes, no guns, no more playing war, and so on. Political correctness would attempt to restructure the nature of competition, male sports in particular. Boys would be taught that aggressiveness was bad and aggressive competition should be discouraged. At least that was the plan.

Much of this nonsense is rooted in a false conception of human nature and directed primarily toward boys. Since men have tended to be the more violent members of society, it was thought that by raising boys to be more like girls they would cease to be violent and the world would achieve the utopian dream of universal harmony. Again, that was the plan.

The fallacy of gender neutrality is the fact that, generally speaking, boys and girls are born with not only obvious biological differences but also innate psychological orientations and interests as well. Furthermore, being neutral relative to gender (in the sense that we try to erase all distinctions between the sexes) does not necessarily yield equality. It simply means that men and women suffer a substantial loss in their own identity.

I am not suggesting that we teach our sons to be violent and our daughters to stay in the kitchen! Neither am I proposing some sort of juvenile machismo or barbaric masculinity. True manhood should be characterized by a steadfast and unrelenting sense of duty: duty to God, the community, and others, regardless of the cost. Jesus modeled this best by his unflinching commitment to die on the cross for the sake of sinners. Here again, the disciplines of military life promote this sense rather uniquely. Anyone who has ever served knows that an elevated commitment to self over the mission is quickly and decisively squashed!

At this point, we can either accept the gender-neutrality doctrine or resist this cultural influence by once again teaching boys to be men and girls to be women, thereby celebrating the God-given complementarity between the sexes.

After more than four decades of gender-neutral propaganda, we have not only not achieved neutrality but have seen a perverse consequence. Boys are increasingly becoming more feminine and girls are becoming more masculine. Boys are increasingly vain, fashion-obsessed wimps with a duty to nothing but themselves and girls are increasingly becoming sexual aggressors who are brawling on the soccer field.

This moral ambiguity and gender confusion is producing a loss of aspirations: men no longer aspire to masculine virtues and women are abandoning the pursuit of feminine virtues. The result is a generation without aspirations—those rooted in their biological gender—that lift their conduct above hedonistic self-gratification; i.e., a sense of duty.

The church can either capitulate under the pressure of political correctness or we can train our young people—in those virtues supported by their gender and complementary to one another—in service to God and others.

Let Your Relationships Refine Not Define

By Cliff Young

Companies spend billions of dollars a year for celebrities to endorse their product. They believe our culture wants to wear, look, eat, drive and be like a celebrity, and they are probably correct. We often try anything to be like other people or someone other than ourselves.

I have thought about this when facing a questionnaire or personality profile, “How I can skew my answer to be perceived ‘more favorable,’ be like someone else or be what someone else would want?” I look back and see how I applied this premise to some of my past relationships.

There was a time when I tried to be and do everything I thought my girlfriend wanted. I changed my lifestyle, I changed what I ate, I changed the sports I played, I changed the way I acted—I became a different person. After noticing I was emotionally up, down and all over the place, a close friend shared with me that I wasn’t being myself.

I discovered I had let my relationship define who I was.

Define Yourself

Years ago a popular advertising campaign stated, “Be like Mike” (Michael Jordan). As a result, millions of people ran out to purchase basketball shoes and apparel imprinted with his image. The only person it defined was Michael Jordan.

So God created people in his own image; God patterned them after himself; male and female he created them (Genesis 1:27).

We are all created in God’s image, not in an image you see on a magazine cover, on television, or in the movies. Unfortunately, we tend to spend more time absorbing these images from the media than we do absorbing God’s Word.

The Lord gave me a message. He said, ‘I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as a spokesman to the world’ (Jeremiah 1:5).

It must pain the Lord when I try to emulate another person rather than embrace who the Lord created me to be.

He knew me (us)
He formed me (us)
He set me (us) apart
He appointed me (us) as a spokesman to the world.

Define yourself as God’s creation in God’s image for God’s purpose.

Refine Yourself

Precious metals are often mentioned in the Bible in correlation to a person’s character. The process of purifying a metal or making it precious requires high heat, hammering, cooling, and forming along the way. Our journey to become precious requires us to go through difficult times and struggles so that we may grow strong, pure and complete.

I will bring that group through the fire and make them pure, just as gold and silver are refined and purified by fire (Zechariah 13:9).

I love that the Bible translates to use the term refine. The definitions of refine are descriptive and depict a positive result.

• To free from impurities or unwanted material
• To free from moral imperfection
• To improve or perfect by pruning or polishing
• To become pure or perfected
• To make improvement by introducing subtleties or distinctions

We all have impurities and moral imperfections that can be refined and perfected. We can work on areas of our life to improve who we are. However, our instinct may be to avoid situations that will stretch us or reveal our weaknesses because we don’t want to “deal with it.” It’s easier to blame others (or take it out on others) for our circumstances rather than face our own shortcomings (or take responsibility for our own actions). This is often highlighted and magnified within a relationship.

How Relationships Can Help to Refine

I used to work with a person who, when asked, “Why did you marry your wife when you are treated so harshly by her?” responded, “I’d rather be married and miserable than be single and alone.” What?! Is that why God created him in His own image, to be married and miserable?

Many relationships experience difficulties because two “incomplete” people enter the relationship wanting the other person to “complete” them (thank you Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire). Instead of looking for someone else to complete you, look to the Lord.

Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you (James 4:8).

Grow closer to God and learn His will for your life and your relationships.

Evaluate the things you like and dislike about yourself and about those you have been in relationship with.

Determine how you can become a better person (and mate) and the type of person you want to be with.

The closer we are in relationship with God, the closer we will be to God’s will for our life and the healthier we will be in our relationships with others.

Where are you in the process of being refined, hammered, and purified? How close are you to being what God created you to be? Don’t give up God’s dream for your life in order to settle for a relationship, follow someone else’s dream, or because a prior relationship didn’t work out. Don’t allow your unsuccessful relationships to define who you are, rather use them to refine you into the person God has designed and planned for you to be.

I will keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be. No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven (Philippians 3:12-14).

Defending "The Cost of Delaying Marriage"

By Candice Z. Watters

"I cannot recall a time when an article stirred such anger in me.... I am SHOCKED that Focus on the Family would allow such an article to be placed on its website." " I must say that I can hardly find words to properly express my horror at the bogus expert that was posted on your website."

So began two of many emails we received complaining about "The Cost of Delaying Marriage," an excerpt from Danielle Crittenden's book What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us. The women who wrote those messages were not alone in their sentiments. More than any other article we've run on Boundless, this one stirred up strong emotions, especially among singles.

I wasn't surprised by the response -- it was very much like what we received the first time we ran this excerpt six years ago. But I was discouraged. Discouraged by the possibility that we haven't made more progress on the issue of singleness in the church. And concerned that many readers seemingly found her article more controversial this time around.

Thankfully the response wasn’t monolithic. After mentioning all the negative responses to readers of our weekly email update, lots more readers wrote in to applaud Danielle's stance. And to all of you, I say thanks. It was heartening to know marriage is still esteemed among many.

And yet I think it's important to answer some of the more troubling, and common complaints we received. For those of you who are still fuming from what we published, this response is for you.

Jesus Is Enough

The top complaint from singles that want to get married but haven't yet had the opportunity has a spiritual bent. It goes something like this: The single years are more virtuous than the married ones, characterized by more faithful, focused and selfless living for the Kingdom. Christ is the sum total of what fulfills us -- to suggest that marriage can, or should fulfill us, is to devalue the role of Christ in our lives. Simply put: all we need is Jesus.

The response to this could be an article in itself, because this belief seems to be an emerging motto of Christian singles everywhere. There's just one problem: Adam had perfect communion with God in the Garden of Eden and still God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him" (Genesis 2:18) Everything else about Eden was said to be "good" by God. Everything, that is, except a man. Alone.

People who claim that Jesus is enough typically quote 1 Corinthians 7. In it Paul says, "It is good for a man not to marry" and "an unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit." Paul is describing celibate service -- a calling God places on a select few men and women. Though Paul does say, "I wish that all men were as I am," he goes on to say, "But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that." The gift Paul is describing is celibacy -- a gift that equips a person to not "burn with passion" while enabling them to fully expend themselves in God's service without the distractions of spouse and children.

How do you know if you have this gift? Dr. Albert Mohler , president of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary and member of Focus' board of directors suggests asking yourself, "can I go the rest of my life without sex, without the companionship of marriage, without having children and without being bitter about it?" If you answer yes, it's likely you do.

For everyone else, the call is to marriage. To marry doesn't diminish the need for Christ. In fact, it increases it: The reason Christian marriage requires a vow is that no mere promise is enough to hold two mortals together for life. We're dependent on Christ to help us fulfill it.

It's Not My Fault

Some writers -- women especially -- were frustrated by their singleness, admittedly wanting to be married but never having had the opportunity to do so. They were offended by Danielle's assertion that women who are still single in their 30s and beyond must be that way because they disregarded the many proposals they received in their 20s. Though some devoted their 20s primarily to education and career development -- implying that their focus was not on finding a mate -- most in this category were put off by the notion that their singleness was their choice.

One example: "Do I sound bitter? I am really not bitter. I am frustrated, because I see articles that do not seem to present the other side of the story, that despite our best efforts, some of us have just not met someone. That sometimes a person does not have a choice about delaying marriage, because the possibility has never presented itself.

And another: "I don't want to sound like a complainer, but I think that the delayed marriage factor has a lot to do with Christian men as well as women. I find it frustrating to be accused of being very independent when I haven't even had the option of anything else! It's not like I had ten suitors on my doorstep, and I turned down marriage at 20. I didn't have the option of marriage at 20 or even 30. … I need the support of the Christian community. Your Boundless article seems to put us all in the bucket of waiting too long or too late. But what about just waiting, because that's your only choice."

I think this writer is on to something. The problem of delayed marriage has a lot to do with men who won't take initiative. Women want to be pursued and men are charged by God to be the pursuers. Proverbs says, "he who finds a wife, " Finds. That's no passive verb. It's active. It instructs the man who wants God's blessing to get out there and look. And to the men we say, get going. It's time you accept the challenge to pursue marriage.

To the women, I say stop glorifying the single years as a super-holy season of just you and Jesus. Yes, being single does provide the chance to be uniquely intimate with Jesus. Enjoy that. But don't advertise it. Why? Because it gives guys permission to kick back and let you. If they think you're perfectly happy as a single, why wouldn't they let you stay that way? Especially when so many of them are gun shy. Thanks to a 50 percent (give or take a few points) divorce rate and absentee dad problem, many of them grew up without a mentor (their dad) and without a godly model for what marriage should look like. Many of them are scared, and for good reason.

Now to you women, that's not an excuse to bash men. You have an important ability to help them move toward marriage. How? By esteeming it. By not being embarrassed about wanting it. By going after it -- to a point. You can nurture men toward marriage by helping them see that it contains a lot of what they're looking for, even if they don't yet know it. Think of Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life. He's depressed that once again, his plans to get out of small town America and see the world have been thwarted and he's left tending the family business with just his mom and alcoholic uncle for companionship. He's questioning his very existence; longing to know his destiny. What's his mom's suggestion? "Why don't you go talk to Mary," she says. "I'll bet she could help you find the answers you're looking for."

Marriage holds the possibility of partnership, adventure, creativity, challenge and many more of the things we long for, but try to obtain with inferior pursuits. As Amy and Leon Kass observed in their roles as professors at the University of Chicago, "…we detect among our students certain (albeit sometimes unarticulated) longings -- for friendship, for wholeness, for a life that is serious and deep, and for associations that are trustworthy and lasting -- longings that they do not realize could be largely satisfied by marrying well." (Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar, p. 2)

Singles Have More Fun

Crittenden's article artificially elevates marriage while underestimating the value of living single, independent and free, said some. What's so bad about choosing to be single? It's a lot more fun, they argued.

Ms. Crittenden's article is critical of single women and suggests that we have somehow missed God's plan for our lives by doing what we want to do. She states that we single 30 year old women have a second-rate life that can only be tolerated. In addition, without men that we will remain unfulfilled and sad.

And another:

"Yes, God makes some of us to be parents and spouses as part of our identy," wrote one. "But he also gives us spiritual gifts that allow us to contribute to our church; he gives us friends to enrich our lives; he gives us talents to praise him; he gives us careers that fulfill our dreams. Being single doesn't cancel out my identity. And to hear that my identity as a child of God is not complete without a spouse is judgmental and disturbing."

It's not about identity. It's about obedience. When it comes to marriage, we don't need a burning bush to know if it's God's will. He's already told us it is. If we're not specially gifted to be celibate, we're called to marriage. There's no third option; no lifestyle choice to remain single because it's more fun or more fulfilling or more spiritual than being married. Yes, if you're gifted with a calling to celibacy, a la Paul, then that is your duty. But if you're not -- and Scripture is clear that most of us aren't -- then our calling is marriage.

For women, that means remaining open to the possibility, praying boldly for the opportunity and living intentionally so as not to undermine your prospects. For men, it means "finding a wife" and "leaving and cleaving;" taking initiative -- looking at the women you know, identifying the ones who would be a godly wife and good mother and pursuing one of them. Be active.

For both men and women it means living purely -- being faithful with your sexuality -- actively participating in Christian community and being a good steward of your time, money and talents. These are all things that protect and prepare you for the commitment of marriage.

Marriageandbabies Isn't One Word

Not all women want to raise families others pointed out.

This letter explained, "I have a Christian friend who's married and absolutely loathes small children. The thought of changing a diaper is disgusting to her. She will probably never have children even though she's found the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with."

Now that my two little ones are potty trained I can say with all honesty, changing diapers is a disgusting thing. But's that's no reason not to have children. Especially as believers. It's only since the advent of pharmaceutical birth control that humans even had the option of choosing marriage while remaining closed to the possibility -- and blessing -- of children. And it's only since people started writing their own wedding vows that we stopped including the part about promising to receive children and raise them to know God.

Severing the link between marriage and children is a modern concept, born of material wealth, political freedom and technological advancements. But just because we can do something doesn't mean we should. God has not revoked His charge to the first couple, Adam and Eve, to be fruitful and multiply. (And contrary to public opinion, we're in dire need of more, not fewer, people on this earth.) When we marry and choose not to have children, we violate our very design and disobey our God. (We've talked at length about this on Boundless, including articles by J. Budziszewski and Matt Kaufman.)

Men are Jerks

One writer quoted Crittenden:

The 33-year-old single woman who decides she wants more from life than her career cannot so readily walk into marriage and children; by postponing them, all she has done is to push them ahead to a point in her life when she has less sexual power to attain them.

And had this to say,

"Gee, thanks. So, women over 30 aren't sexy enough to get a man, we better get them while we are young and perky?"

It's amazing how much of the world's mentality we've absorbed as Christians. It's not about "getting a man," it's about being in reality about when a woman is most likely to marry and still be able to have children. Youth is a wonderful thing for meeting eligible mates (thanks in large part to our system of higher education), having the time to date (again, thanks to college) and for pregnancy. The older a woman gets, the harder it is for her to conceive and the more likely she'll have complications if she does.

Still another writer said it's our fault for making men look bad. "Crittenden takes a very critical and unflattering view of men," she wrote. "She appears to assume that the good men only want women while they're still young, sexually attractive and fertile. Crittenden mentions nothing of men who may simply want partners they can love and connect with on a deeper emotional basis, and men who care nothing of age, fertility or looks and instead want intellectual and emotional equals.

Men and women are different. It's well established by Christian and secular researchers alike that men are more sight oriented than women and that looks matter a great deal to men when it comes to issues of attraction. If that's all they care about, we call them shallow. But to suggest that men should forgo externals and focus instead on deep emotional connections is to ask men to think like women.

As a woman, I'll venture to say that we women still hold a lot of sway over men. Next time you're verbalizing your contentment with being single (especially if what you really want is to marry) or going after one more degree or one more promotion, remember, men are watching. In many areas, they still look to us for cues.

Consider what Boundless reader Mark T. had to say:

This is a welcome breath of fresh air for a male in his early 20s with a professional degree, and the beginnings of a career that would love nothing more than to be able to share his life with someone, but only seems to meet young attractive and ambitious women that want to pursue the independent lifestyle for another 10 years all by themselves.

Did We Make a Mistake?

Sometimes we run things on Boundless that we don't completely agree with in order to get readers thinking, or thinking in a different direction. Sometimes we spotlight an article, author or movie to point out where we think they're wrong.

This was not one of those articles.

Danielle's excerpt is one thing we stand behind fully. She's on to something important and even though she doesn't write from an explicitly Christian perspective, the issues she raises are critical to the church. Boundless isn't alone in thinking this. Dr. Dobson interviewed Danielle about her book for a recent Focus on the Family broadcast (incidentally this was a re-air of the show, originally recorded in 1999).

Afterward, Dr. Mohler called this excerpt "a must read" on his blog. Saying, "This is an issue I address often, and I appreciate Crittenden's thoughtful analysis -- as well as her perspective as a woman.... The article is really important. Her intelligent celebration of marriage is refreshing."

We're glad to know the article got you thinking -- even if you wrote to say you totally disagree with it. And we hope you'll prayerfully consider the reasons we so thoroughly endorse it. Yes, hoping for and getting married requires some serious risk-taking, especially in this culture. But it's still a divine gift worth pursuing and receiving.

Saving Yourself for Marriage

By Lee Wilson

You may think I'm only talking about sex or physical purity. But I'm not. There's a lot more you can save for your spouse, if that's what you choose.

I used to struggle with the idea of saving sex for my spouse. I knew it was the right thing to do, but I couldn't help but think I was missing out. I was, but it would have been only a temporary sacrifice that would have turned into a priceless investment.

Saving sex for your spouse is not the only thing that will pay great dividends. Though sex is a very special and sacred experience between a man and woman who love each other and have committed to each other by marriage, it is not the be all and end all of the male/female relationship. It's just one important part of several areas that are found in a healthy marriage.

What if the mindset of a single was not just "I'll save sex for marriage," but "I'll save myself" for my future spouse?

How Do You Save Yourself?

Saving yourself, as I define it, means that you save more than just sex. You save other special things like kisses, touches, and "I love you's." It may sound far-fetched or even very old-fashioned, but can you imagine the feeling of joy and love you'd have if you knew that your spouse had not even kissed another person? Ever? Or if the first time he/she ever said, "I love you," it was to you!

Imagine the privilege and honor of having a spouse who didn't just save sex for you, but saved absolutely everything! You can take this as far as you choose. Maybe you don't even want to hold another person's hand before you hold the hand of the one who commits to you for life. Or maybe saving just sex is enough for you. I can't make your decision. I can't even speak from the successful "saving" of myself. But I can speak from the experience of being married and being part of an organization that has worked with nearly 100,000 married couples.

I can tell you that if more couples saved everything for each other, many marriage-harming issues would not exist in their relationship. There wouldn't be haunting memories of past sexual encounters. There wouldn't be feelings of jealousy towards those who had physical experiences with someone's husband or wife. There wouldn't be the mindset that says, "Since I've had sex with someone else, what's the harm in doing it with another someone else?" Or, "Since she's had sex with someone else, what does it matter if I do, too?"

Perhaps the best part would be the sense of sacredness that saving oneself completely brings to a marriage. She doesn't have to share him with anyone—past, present or future. And neither does he.

Trust me, people don't leave marriages like that. Why would they?

I'm not saying it will be easy. In fact, I imagine it will be extremely difficult. But on your marriage night, when you give yourself to your spouse without bringing someone else's memory with you, you'll probably consider it to be your greatest accomplishment in life.

If you haven't saved yourself, start today. Wouldn't it be great to be able to say that you committed to your spouse even before you met him or her? Or decided to marry? Save as much of yourself as you can.

Remember this rule: The more you save for your spouse, the more you'll have to give and the more you are able to receive. It's worth it. Trust me.

The Different Needs of Men and Women

By Les and Leslie Parrott

The other day we received this letter from a newly engaged couple.

"I hear a lot of talk about how men and women have different needs, and I am the first to admit it's true. However, I have a tough time trying to pinpoint these needs so that I can better understand my fiancée. I think she feels the same way about me. Can you help?"

Every cell of our bodies, as men and women, differ. The skeletal structure, for example, of women is shorter and broader. Women's blood contains fewer red cells, making them tire more easily. Women have a larger stomach, kidneys, liver, and appendix, but smaller lungs. Scores of other physical differences may influence the way each person in a relationship feels and behaves. But in addition to the more obvious physical differences between the genders, societal expectations and modeling contribute to a plethora of differences between the sexes - all culminating in several gender-specific unique needs.

Many relational problems evolve because men try to meet needs that they would value and women do the same. The problem is that since the needs of men and women are often so different, we waste effort trying to meet the wrong needs. If we ware truly committed to valuing our life partners, we must not only understand and appreciate our partner's differences, but we must commit ourselves to meeting their unique needs.

Willard F. Harley, in his popular book His Needs, Her Needs, has given us a great tool to do just that. He identifies the ten most important martial needs of men and women. You may or may not agree with all of them, but they can serve as a good discussion starter:

She needs affection - It symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval. A hug expresses affection. For the typical wife, there can hardly be enough of them.

He needs sexual fulfillment - Just as women crave affection, so to do men want sex. And they don't just want their wives to make their bodies available. They need to feel their wife is as invested in sex as they are.

She needs conversation - Not just talk about her husband's problems or achievements, but about her problems and her hopes. She needs quality conversation on a daily basis.

He needs recreational companionship - After sex, the need for recreation rates highest for men. He needs time spent in a mutually satisfying activity - whether it is sports, shopping, cooking, painting, etc.

She needs honesty and openness - Mistrust destroys a woman's marital security. If a husband does not keep up honest communication with his wife, he eventually undermines her trust and destroys any hope of security.

He needs an attractive spouse - A man does not need a supermodel for a wife, but he wants her to make an effort to be attractive to him. He wants her to dress in clothes he likes and do her hair in a style that is appealing to him.

She needs financial support - A husband's failure to provide sufficient income sends shudders through the underpinnings of a marriage. A woman needs to know that her husband is taking care of their family's needs and their future.

He needs domestic support - Old-fashioned or not, most men fantasize about a loving, pleasant home where few hassles occur and life runs smoothly.

She needs family commitment - Wives want their husbands to take a strong role in the marriage and express how important it is to them. They need to see evidence of a strong commitment to family life that is not overshadowed by work or anything else.

He needs admiration - Honest admiration is a great motivator for most men. When a woman tells her husband (who has been sweating it out at work) that she thinks he's wonderful, it inspires him and keeps him going.

Like we said, you may not agree with all of these "needs," but the number of people who have bought and read Harley's book is enough reason to take them seriously and discuss how each of your particular sets of needs differ.

Remember, if you commit yourself to meeting the unique needs of your partner, you will become irresistible to each other and insure faithfulness in your marriage. You will build a relationship that sustains romance, increases intimacy, and deepens awareness year after year.

Don't Lose Heart

By Cliff Young

Prayer does not change God, but changes him who prays. — Soren Kierkegaard, Danish Philosopher

I carry a file of prayer requests with me on my cell phone in a digital application. There's a place on each request where I can check-off when the prayer has been answered. At anytime I can refer back to my list to see what needs and desires have been filled and which ones still need to be lifted up.

For several years, the unmarked "answered" box on many of the prayers has left me frustrated and somewhat angry. I look at the list, read through the many heartfelt and heart breaking needs, and it pains me to see them go unanswered.

There are requests for spiritual salvation, medical and emotional healings, relational reconciliations, and economic buoyancy, however, many seem to go unnoticed and be in vain.

Maybe it's just me—praying for something and never receiving the answer I am looking for or never receiving an answer at all?

I wonder if my heart was in the right place when I prayed.

When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures (James 4:3).

I wonder if I truly had faith in my prayers.

And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well (James 5:15).

I believe God knows what I'm going to pray even before I utter a single word.
I believe He cares for every person and about every circumstance we face.
I believe He is in complete control.

However, within my prayers, I sometimes find myself trying to convince Him of what (I think) is best in a situation when I can only see and comprehend a fraction of what is going on. And the only reason I have any understanding whatsoever of the circumstance is by His grace and the knowledge He has given me in the first place.

How do you spell arrogance?

At times I have to laugh at myself as I try to "figure out" what God is up to. After receiving a lifetime of blessings and experiencing incredible "only God" situations, who am I to think I can understand His ways? Why would I even want to try? I would probably just get in His way.

It reminds me of Mary and Martha's plea to Jesus for their brother Lazarus, "Lord, the one you love is sick." When Jesus heard of Lazarus' condition, "He stayed where he was (Jerusalem) two more days." (Before traveling to Bethany less than two miles away, John 11:3, 5).

Could you imagine being with Jesus at the time He received the news, knowing that Lazarus was a close friend of His? We would have questioned why Jesus didn't leave immediately to be by his side. We would have sympathized for Mary and Martha's anguish as they watched their brother's health diminish. Lazarus himself must have wondered where his friend was, who could have healed him.

Jesus finally arrived after Lazarus has been in the tomb for four days and was greeted by Martha. "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." (John 11:21) Upon seeing Jesus, Mary said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." (John 11:32) The Jews said, "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?" (John 11:36-37)

Martha, Mary, and the Jews all believed Jesus could have healed Lazarus before he died. So, why didn't He?

Before departing Jerusalem, Jesus told his disciples, "Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him." (John 11:14) Jesus had a reason and a purpose for not leaving earlier to heal Lazarus.

Therefore many of the Jews who had come to visit Mary, and had seen what Jesus did, put their faith in him"(John 11:45).

A number of years ago, a very committed, dedicated and faithful couple in my church had a daughter whose life spanned only a week due to complications associated with undeveloped organs. After a week of fervent prayer, we as a church had so many questions as to why God would allow this to happen to such faithful servants of His.

We later found out close to thirty family members and co-workers of the couple came to know Jesus through their child's short life. Was that God's purpose for the life of that child? Is this what God had planned in the midst of their grief? We may never know for sure; we just did what we were called to d pray.

Recently, a local pastor's son was involved in an automobile accident and a worldwide plea for prayer was sent out. Thousands of believers unceasingly prayed for the healing of his body, believed in a miracle, and trusted God. Three days later, the Lord took him home.

A church and a community are left with the question, "Why?"

I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven (Matthew 18:19).

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him (1 John 5:14-15).

Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete (John 16:24).

We look to passages like these, we pray for understanding, and oftentimes we walk away not able to comprehend how the Lord is working and why. However, just because God does not work according to how we think doesn't mean He does not hear our prayers nor care about our situation.

Even as Jesus approached the tomb where Lazarus was buried, knowing full well He was about to raise him from the dead, "Jesus wept" (John 11:35).

Solomon, often referred to as the wisest man on earth, penned these words trying to help us understand it is in God's time and purpose that He works, not ours.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

Whether we ever understand God's ways or ever see clearly how He's working in our lives, or those around us, we should continue to pray because He tells us to.

Men always ought to pray and not lose heart (Luke 18:1).

It is not only our way of communicating and communing directly with our Lord and Savior, but also a major component along our journey of faith.

At the Sunday service following the death of his son, the pastor praised his son for his earlier decision to donate his organs. Five unknown families received the gift of an organ as a result of his son's death.

His sister wrote: "Five lives were immediately saved, and a total of 77 lives will be significantly impacted thanks to Josiah's donated organs. Sometimes miracles happen in ways that we don't expect, but the miracle still happened."

Through all of the prayers that were lifted up for the gift of life, somebody's prayers were answered that day.

We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).

Trusting God With Relationships, Part 2

By Suzanne Hadley Gosselin

READ PART 1

In the fall of 2007, I wrote a series for the Boundless Line called "Trusting God With Relationships." At the time, I was single and rapidly approaching my 30th birthday. The series generated hundreds of comments from readers who found themselves in a similar place.

Two and a half years later, my life has changed drastically; in the course of nine months, I began dating, became engaged to and married the man God chose for me. In light of what has happened since I wrote these posts, I believe even more fervently the truths contained within. And so I have adapted them as an article series.

* * *

Overcoming Passivity

October 26, 2007

I often notice people becoming uptight when we begin discussing the issue of trusting God with relationships. This is because they equate trust in God with passivity. But since when did "trusting God" mean "do nothing?" We're all rather attached to eating, right? But do we sit at home waiting for meals to come to us? No, we work to purchase food. Similarly, if you want the job, you apply for the job. If you want to get involved in your church, you show up at the small group. And if you want to get married, you take initiative with members of the opposite sex by building healthy relationships with them and either pursuing or being open to pursuit.

Men, if you want to get married and the Lord has clearly (or possibly) put a godly woman in your life, do something about it. My friend Jacob is a missionary in Europe. He met Amber when he first moved there three years ago, and their paths continued to cross. One night a group got together to watch a movie, and Jacob looked at Amber sitting next to him on the couch and thought, Why have I never considered her? Wow. She's a godly woman. They began dating and last month he proposed to her during a team trip to Paris. They'll marry in January.

Women often feel they are completely powerless. But they may not realize that their negative perceptions of the guys who are not asking them out may be keeping those very guys away. One male friend described this attitude as "poison." I had to confront this attitude in myself several years ago:

My mom recently asked, "So what are you looking for in a guy these days?"

My reply was, "I'm not sure, but I know what I'm not looking for."

This statement reveals a critical attitude that on further consideration I believe is unbecoming of a Christian woman. Regardless of whether these men are potential mates, I should be considering how I can spur them on to love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24). As I allow God to replace judgment and criticism with openness and love, I will be nurturing characteristics valuable in a marriage relationship.

Women, do your very best to be receptive to every guy who shows interest. It doesn't mean you have to say yes to every date. It does mean that you treat men with respect and choose to look for the best in them. It may also mean being open beyond your comfort zone.

I'm not talking undisciplined vulnerability here. I'm suggesting Christian women not rely on worldly dating games, such as playing "hard to get." Certainly you will make yourself unattractive if you throw yourself at the guy, but staunchly refusing to ever reciprocate signs of interest may discourage him. These tendencies are often based in pride: It's his job to pursue ME. I deserve to be pursued. What you mean is "I deserve to be pursued in the way I THINK a man should pursue me."

A lot of healing needs to take place between the sexes. We should be the aroma of Christ to one another. Trusting God with relationships does not mean sitting at home and never interacting with the opposite sex. It means deliberately walking the straight path, keeping your eyes open to the possibilities.

Building Trust Between Sexes

October 29, 2007

One reason it is difficult to trust God with relationships is a lack of confidence or distrust in the opposite sex. Christian singles may be hitting the same barriers to marriage as those with a worldly mindset — hesitancy to commit, lack of viable choices in partner, a desire to establish wealth and possessions first — but here's the honest truth: Christians need to have a radically different perspective about the opposite sex, dating and marriage. Consider Corinthians 5:17-19:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.

Several months ago, I was stunned by one Boundless Line reader's response to my blog. He said, "It's obvious there's a lot of woundedness here." Each sex feels wounded by the other. Women feel slighted because the men they believe should be asking them out either won't take a risk or seem uninterested in committing to a relationship. Men are frustrated because the women they'd like to get to know either won't give them a chance or send them mix signals. Our first reaction is to blame others. "I'm doing everything right. It's him/her who is holding up the process!"

I recently heard some great advice for getting along with people who naturally irritate you. When this person says something that irritates you, instead of assigning motives (I know she said that to boast or I know he said that to manipulate), pour in as much grace as possible. Choose to be compassionate and look for what is really going on beneath the statement (Maybe she's feeling insecure or maybe he feels I don't trust him). Perhaps your reaction wasn't appropriate or was fueled by your own past hurts.

Focus on the Family promotes the Love and Respect conference. The central idea of these conferences is that women need love and men need respect. This is a breakthrough concept for married couples. However, single men and women are motivated by these same responses. As a woman, are you seeking to respect the single men you know or are you tearing them down (even just in your mind)? As a man, are you looking to care for the women you know or do you cast a suspicious eye on them, afraid they'll get the wrong idea? As singles, we have not been very successful in cultivating an attitude of love and respect. I have experienced a love and respect dynamic in micro-settings, and I believe it's the best start for a healthy, godly relationship.

Part of trusting God with relationships is discerning how He would renew our minds and make us new creations. If we're not seeking this with all our hearts, the ministry of reconciliation — particularly between the sexes — will fail. If Christian relationships, and the way we go about them, were radically different from the world, it might send a message to the world about the reconciliation offered in God through Christ.

Trusting God in the Dark

October 31, 2007

I cannot conclude this series without considering the formidable task of trusting God with relationships in the absence of possibilities. When there's a promising online match, a friendship that appears to be blossoming into more or an interesting fellow you met at that last wedding you attended, trust is a bit easier. There's something tangible to rest your hope in (even if it never goes anywhere).

But what of the dry spells? I discussed this in an article I wrote last year:

I am single.

I'm not ashamed to say it. Most of the time I'm OK with it. By "OK" I mean I don't break down in tears after attending my fifth wedding in one summer. I don't mourn with a tub of mint chocolate chip and "Sleepless in Seattle" every time I have a quiet Saturday night ... or four. And I barely cringe when my married friends get a twinkle in their eye and utter those dreaded words: "Soooo (they drag this word out endlessly), is there a guy in your life?"

I smile and explain (with maybe a bit of overcompensating enthusiasm) that there's not currently a special someone (nor has there been for three years), but I'm confident, in God's perfect timing, the right one will come along.

I know from experience, this kind of waiting gets old. Really old. Relationship advice is all well and good, but how do you apply it to the reality of no viable options? I cannot tell you that God will deliver you a spouse. I can tell you He cares about you deeply, is invested in this idea of marriage and has the power to provide a godly mate. Still, I also know you can't negotiate with God to secure that person.

For the everyday pain singles face while they're waiting for a spouse, I am reminded of two principles for living. First, regardless of whether God blesses me in this way, I am called to trust Him. In a very painful and confusing situation, Job said: "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him" (Job 13:15).

Second, God is all-powerful and my lack of a spouse has nothing to do with His ability to provide. Not only that, but He wants good for me. Consider 1 Corinthians 2:9: "However, as it is written: 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.'"

Perhaps the most important thing to remember when enduring a dry spell is to avoid giving in to bitterness. Not only will it render you spiritually useless, but others will cease to be drawn to you.

Along with pursuing the straight path, rejoicing in God's romantic heart, actively building community and seeking to respect and build up the men I know, I must choose to live in the life-giving joy of Christ. The truth is, the Lord is worthy of my trust even when I don't see how He's working. And because of that, in the dry spell, I still have hope.

* * *

Epilogue:

On January 21, 2009, I met with a young man from my church to discuss starting a young adult Bible study. God worked in spectacular and specific ways to bring us together, and by March we knew He was calling us be married and spend our lives serving Him together.

On September 12, I married the man I had been waiting for — and I caught a fresh glimpse of God's beautiful, incomprehensible care for me. He truly did more for me than I had "asked or imagined" (Eph. 3:20).

Now I endeavor to walk the straight path with another, living in the glorious hope of the One who has called me.


Source: Boundless

Trusting God With Relationships, Part 1

By Suzanne Hadley Gosselin

In the fall of 2007, I wrote a series for the Boundless blog about trusting God with relationships. At the time, I was single and well on my way to my 30th birthday. The series generated hundreds of comments from readers who found themselves in a similar place.

Two and a half years later, my life has changed: In the course of nine months, I began dating, became engaged to and married the man I believe God chose for me. In light of what has happened since I wrote these posts, I believe even more resolutely that God orders our steps in the journey toward marriage.

* * *

Fighting Disillusionment

October 22, 2007

I've recently been thinking a lot about God's participation in my love life. Mostly, I've been wondering to what extent He cares about it. There was a time when I believed that the Lord was carefully preparing and refining my future spouse and orchestrating the exact events that would bring us together. I still want to believe that, but it's a struggle.

Does God really care about who I marry? Is my waiting period part of His plan or just a side-effect of a culture confused about marriage? Is marriage a standard-issue arrangement ordained by God or is He interested in my specific choice? My theology on this will deeply affect the way I view my Heavenly Father and His involvement in my life. It will impact how I go about relationships. It will affect the way I live while I'm waiting.

As I considered my current state of disillusionment with my former view, I thought it would be helpful to consider again some of the basic truths about God's purpose for and involvement in human relationships.

One foundational truth about my singleness is God sees my need. Moments after creation, God takes a personal interest in Adam's lonely state. "It is not good for the man to be alone" (Gen. 2:18). God did not create humans to live in isolation. He designed us to long for and experience companionship and love. And if He had compassion toward Adam's loneliness, I can trust that He sees and understands mine.

Not only did God see Adam's need; He responded to it in a specific way. "I will make a helper suitable for him" (Gen. 2:18). As a remedy to Adam's loneliness, God created Eve. God designed her to be Adam's helper. It's true that we don't know if "helper suitable for him" was simply talking about Eve's complimentary attributes as a woman. But this declaration seems to show God's detail in providing a perfect match for Adam.

I know a lot of singles who wish they were married. For most of us, these circumstances seem out of our control. It is easier to trust someone when you believe he cares. The Lord is compassionate toward singles. Adam started out as one. In God's dealings with Adam, we discover two realities: 1. God established marriage as the antidote to a basic human need ("It is not good for the man to be alone"); 2. God was concerned about the individual fit of the relationship ("a helper suitable for him").

My Part, God's Part

October 23, 2007

My next installment was going to deal with God's perspective on romance, but I'm going to hold off on that. From the comment section of my last blog, it's evident people are interested in this issue of free will versus God's sovereignty in relationships, which Scott Stanley talks about here.

Stanley seemed to play both sides in his discussion, but he concludes that whatever your view on God's sovereignty versus man's free will, you should be careful to avoid the potential relationship pitfalls that accompany each.

Stanley points out someone with a high sovereignty view may believe God will deliver "the one" to his or her doorstep. The resulting mistake might be passivity (e.g. He never asks her out; she never makes an effort to show herself friendly) and waiting for a "burning bush" moment that never arrives.

The freewill person, on the other hand, believes it is up to him to make the best possible choice. And considering there are approximately 1.5 billion women worldwide to evaluate, he will most likely be overwhelmed with choice and be tempted to spend exorbitant time and effort seeking out his soul mate while perhaps never deciding on one.

I resonated with what Stanley says about the freewill person:

If I'm the freewill guy, then the error that I might make is that not only should I search and search and search, but God isn't even that invested in who I make the choice about. It doesn't matter a lot who I make the choice about. Because, you know, He's not really thinking at that level of detail about my life.

It's unnerving to think about a God who doesn't care about something I care about so deeply. Stanley suggests a more moderate perspective:

If I don't want to believe in the one thing, the one woman, one mate idea, I at least should have a balanced view that it should take a fair amount of my effort and thought. I should be wise about this. There are things I should be paying attention to. And at the same time, I should believe a bit from the sovereignty perspective. This really matters to God not just because He's hoping I really make the right choice, because it somehow fits into His big plan of what He's trying to do.

Something I have found helpful is to look at relationships through the filter of the same biblical worldview that colors other areas of my life. For example, Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Whether I lean toward total sovereignty or free will, this is a practical step. Trust God at a deep heart level. Don't rely on my own wisdom. Invite God into every area of my life ... relationships, singleness, ministry. And He will make my paths straight. That's comforting. However the details are working out, if I'm acknowledging Him, He is making my path straight.

Stanley also employs the path analogy:

I want to end by talking to that reader who looks at the disappointing direction their life has taken in the area of relationships and wonders where God is in it all and how they are to face the future. It's so important to realize that God will take whatever path we're on and get the maximum mileage out of us learning on it.

If I am on a straight path where God can teach me and use me, that is the most important thing. As Stanley suggests, I need to be aware of actions or attitudes that may be leading me away from the marriage and family I desire, but there is no need for me to be panicked that I'm on the wrong path.

God is a Romantic

October 24, 2007

After years of researching relationship statistics, studying principles for godly relationships and analyzing (or attempting to) what the opposite sex is thinking, it sometimes seems as if I've reduced dating and marriage to a sterile series of rules and decisions. In recent years, I've veered toward viewing relationships in a depressingly pragmatic way: Find someone with godly character and as little baggage as possible and make a choice to intentionally pursue marriage with that person.

While intentionality is good (and I'll address this more in depth in a future blog), part of me is sad that I've developed such low expectations for romance. I believe this is, in part, due to a misunderstanding of God. Consider the following question: Is God interested in romance or did He create marriage as a pragmatic arrangement?

Yes.

There are some stories in the Bible that seem to hint at God's romantic nature. When Isaac meets Rebekah, for example. Abraham sends his servant to retrieve a wife for his son. And through a strange turn of events (which involves an extensive camel-watering episode), God leads the servant to Rebekah. There's undeniable romance in the conclusion of this tale. Isaac sees Rebekah. Rebekah sees Isaac. Sparks fly. And:

Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death.

Song of Solomon offers a blush-worthy description of physical attraction. You find bona fide "girl talk" in Ruth. And it's pretty romantic when King David intentionally seeks out the virtuous Abigail after her husband has died. God is clearly into romance. The very scenario of Him sending His Son to be our sacrifice and ultimately our bridegroom speaks of His romantic nature.

Why is it then, that the longer I wait, the more inclined I am to believe I must leave romance out of the mix? Michael Lawrence and I have both downplayed the importance of attraction. Addressing this issue is a fine line, simply because the way the world defines "romance" is different from the committed and sacrificial romantic love advocated by the Creator.

We can be easily tricked into believing attraction is eyes meeting across the room in an electric jolt. When, in actuality, romance is more in line with Boaz hearing of Ruth's outstanding character, noticing her in the field, pouring out special favor on her, protecting her from his men and ultimately becoming her kinsman redeemer. As you can see, the second romantic scenario contains far more substance than the first.

I recently saw a video about Iraqi believers receiving the Bible in their own language for the first time. One woman equated receiving the Bibles to an Iraqi saying that went something like this: "I thought that when I saw my beloved, I would experience the greatest happiness possible. But now that he is here with me, that happiness is exceeded." It's a beautiful picture of romance and so very powerful when you consider this woman's joy at receiving God's Word. God is into romance.

While it's important to guard against worldly, unrealistic standards of romance (Do you think those Seattle doctors are seriously happy anyway?), it is exciting to know that God established romance and celebrates it. Romantic love may appear in ways unanticipated, but at its source it flows from God's character.


Source: Boundless


READ PART2