How to Date Your Spouse

Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg

If you're like many married couples, you've gotten caught up in the routine of jobs, parenting, church, and other commitments. And many of those couples are so busy they don't take time to nurture the foundation of their family - their marriage and their relationship with each other. But when that marriage foundation begins to crumble, everything else will come down with it. And that's why we want to coach you on how to nurture that relationship - and one of the great ways to do that is by dating your mate.

When you were single, dating was a time to get away alone, to talk, laugh, and have fun together. You took time to learn more about each other, about your past and your dreams for the future. But here's the deal: Now that you're married, you need to do the same thing! You need to get away alone and continue to talk, laugh, and have fun together! You need to learn more about each other! And that's why dating shouldn't stop with marriage.

Dating your mate will help the two of you begin to reconnect, rekindle the romance in your relationship, and pull your marriage out of the rut it's stuck in. But it's not just going to happen on its own. It's going to take time, effort, and planning. It means you're going to have to make your marriage and your spouse a priority. And that's why we want to help you get motivated to start dating your mate again, by coaching you on how to get the ball rolling.

First things first - your spouse needs to come to the top of your priority list - just a bubble behind Jesus. You need to give your spouse priority access to your time - instead of just the leftovers. Priority time for your spouse means occasional date nights and getaway weekends. These type of events need to be planned ahead of time, of course, because if you wait until the last minute, you may have trouble fitting them into your busy life. But priority time also means smaller time slots each day, such as having dinner together, taking a brief walk, spending time talking, playing a game, or watching a favorite program together.

If you and your spouse haven't really "dated" for awhile, and you're not sure where to start, just start simple. Think back to what the two of you enjoyed doing together before you got married. Think about what your spouse likes to do. Think of something new the two of you can try together. It doesn't have to be something elaborate! If you used to go for walks in the park together - try that! If your husband loves sports - go to a game with him! If your wife loves antiques - go antique shopping with her! If the two of you have never taken dance lessons - sign up and go together! The idea is to get the two of you some alone time together - time to reconnect as husband and wife!

We realize that people are different and there are different lifestyles and different areas of the country. And we know people are at different stages - some have little children, some have difficult work schedules. People have different financial situations. The point of this article is to jump-start your thinking.

So, as you begin reconnecting and get back to dating your mate, here are some things you need to consider:

• First, get the right perspective. Recognize that you have to give you and your spouse some time. If you've been stuck in a rut for awhile, you have to realize that you didn't get there overnight and you won't resolve everything overnight. But you can begin today to work on reconnecting, rekindling the flame, and reuniting your hearts and souls.
• Reconnect with God and be in prayer. Seek God's help for wisdom and discernment as you consider how to go about this dating process. If there has been much pain and hurt in your marriage, you may need extra strength and courage to forgive or ask for forgiveness. If there has been distance, you need wisdom to know how to reconnect. Ask God to bless your endeavor.
• Make a commitment. You need to "do" the dates, but not just as a quick fix. Planning some dates and going out with your spouse is only the start. You need to maintain your marriage by constantly being aware of your spouse's love needs and striving to meet them on a daily basis in your everyday life.
• Keep it up! Don't stop dating just because you went on a couple of dates and your spouse seems to be appeased. Or because you think you've done enough to get out of your rut. Or because you think you've run out of ideas. Be creative! Your dates don't have to be expensive or elaborate, they just need to be. You and your spouse need special times together. That's what dating is all about. It should never stop! So keep on dating!

So, here's the drill today. Ask your spouse on a date. It can be as simple or as fancy as you want. Take your spouse to dinner. Go for a walk. Whisk your mate away for an overnight getaway. The sky is the limit! You were probably pretty creative when the two of you were dating before you got married - so draw on that again! We can guarantee you one thing: The rewards will be well worth it!

The Different Needs of Men and Women

By Les and Leslie Parrott

The other day we received this letter from a newly engaged couple.

"I hear a lot of talk about how men and women have different needs, and I am the first to admit it's true. However, I have a tough time trying to pinpoint these needs so that I can better understand my fiancée. I think she feels the same way about me. Can you help?"

Every cell of our bodies, as men and women, differ. The skeletal structure, for example, of women is shorter and broader. Women's blood contains fewer red cells, making them tire more easily. Women have a larger stomach, kidneys, liver, and appendix, but smaller lungs. Scores of other physical differences may influence the way each person in a relationship feels and behaves. But in addition to the more obvious physical differences between the genders, societal expectations and modeling contribute to a plethora of differences between the sexes - all culminating in several gender-specific unique needs.

Many relational problems evolve because men try to meet needs that they would value and women do the same. The problem is that since the needs of men and women are often so different, we waste effort trying to meet the wrong needs. If we ware truly committed to valuing our life partners, we must not only understand and appreciate our partner's differences, but we must commit ourselves to meeting their unique needs.

Willard F. Harley, in his popular book His Needs, Her Needs, has given us a great tool to do just that. He identifies the ten most important martial needs of men and women. You may or may not agree with all of them, but they can serve as a good discussion starter:

She needs affection - It symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval. A hug expresses affection. For the typical wife, there can hardly be enough of them.

He needs sexual fulfillment - Just as women crave affection, so to do men want sex. And they don't just want their wives to make their bodies available. They need to feel their wife is as invested in sex as they are.

She needs conversation - Not just talk about her husband's problems or achievements, but about her problems and her hopes. She needs quality conversation on a daily basis.

He needs recreational companionship - After sex, the need for recreation rates highest for men. He needs time spent in a mutually satisfying activity - whether it is sports, shopping, cooking, painting, etc.

She needs honesty and openness - Mistrust destroys a woman's marital security. If a husband does not keep up honest communication with his wife, he eventually undermines her trust and destroys any hope of security.

He needs an attractive spouse - A man does not need a supermodel for a wife, but he wants her to make an effort to be attractive to him. He wants her to dress in clothes he likes and do her hair in a style that is appealing to him.

She needs financial support - A husband's failure to provide sufficient income sends shudders through the underpinnings of a marriage. A woman needs to know that her husband is taking care of their family's needs and their future.

He needs domestic support - Old-fashioned or not, most men fantasize about a loving, pleasant home where few hassles occur and life runs smoothly.

She needs family commitment - Wives want their husbands to take a strong role in the marriage and express how important it is to them. They need to see evidence of a strong commitment to family life that is not overshadowed by work or anything else.

He needs admiration - Honest admiration is a great motivator for most men. When a woman tells her husband (who has been sweating it out at work) that she thinks he's wonderful, it inspires him and keeps him going.

Like we said, you may not agree with all of these "needs," but the number of people who have bought and read Harley's book is enough reason to take them seriously and discuss how each of your particular sets of needs differ.

Remember, if you commit yourself to meeting the unique needs of your partner, you will become irresistible to each other and insure faithfulness in your marriage. You will build a relationship that sustains romance, increases intimacy, and deepens awareness year after year.

Learn to Celebrate Your Differences

By Gary and Barbara Rosberg

We're just going to say it plainly because it's true: Nobody is perfect! You didn't marry the angel of perfection you thought you were getting - and neither did your spouse. When the honeymoon ended and the glow of your first year together dimmed, you began to see your partner more realistically. You rubbed each other the wrong way occasionally. Probably not because you wanted to, but because your differences and flaws were beginning to show more clearly.

Let's face it: The only one who could be a perfect spouse is Jesus, Himself. Your mate is going to make mistakes, and so are you. And you're occasionally going to annoy each other or make each other angry. We're human. But you don't have to let those imperfections and differences ruin your relationship! So we want to coach you on how to learn to celebrate your differences - instead of focusing on the negatives.

Many people believe that their spouse looks at life the same way they do, but that's usually not the case. If you don't understand your mate's way of thinking it can lead to assumptions and misunderstandings when they react out of their perspective of life and not your perspective.

When you see your spouse's personality in a deeper way, you can see your differences as a blessing! You are meant to complement each other. That's why it's so important to learn and practice unconditional love in your marriage.

Grace. Affirmation. Safety. Time. Study. All are keys to unconditional love and acceptance. Here's a checklist to help you begin to measure how you are doing in each of these areas:

• Where do I need to show some grace, real grace, to the person I married? Where do I need to let go and let God do His thing with my spouse?
• Who needs my words of affirmation more than anyone in my life? Is it easier for me to affirm my kids and my friends than it is for me to affirm my spouse?
• What are we doing to build safety into our marriage so we can take the risks to love unconditionally?
• When was the last time we took time to go deeper with each other? Are we making time to connect with each other daily?
• Am I studying my spouse? Do I know his or her strengths as well as his or her weaknesses? Am I helping to build on the former and strengthen the latter so that I can best become one with my mate?

These are tough questions. Building a great marriage is not easy. As we've said before: True love doesn't always take place on a romantic balcony. Sometimes it takes place on a battlefield.

Another thing you have to consider is this: People change. Very few of us have the same figure or physique we had on our wedding day as we walked down the aisle. And even if you can still fit into your tuxedo on your tenth anniversary, you're not the same person you were when you stood at the altar. You may have a few wrinkles or an extra chin that didn't show up on your wedding photographs. That jet black hair you had may be well on its way to gray or white. Or maybe it's disappearing altogether.

In whatever ways you and your spouse change with age, one thing about you should never change: your unconditional acceptance of one another. By accepting your spouse completely at every stage of life - wrinkles, gray hair, love handles, and all - you show him or her unconditional love.

But aging is only part of the issue. Other changes occur in ways that are not as natural and are often more difficult to deal with. What happens when the person you married is no longer the person you married? Old age takes its toll, but so do unexpected illnesses and injuries. You may have also discovered that your starry-eyed expectations for your spouse were a tad unrealistic. Or you now see a side of your spouse you were blind to when you were courting. He isn't the corporate-ladder-climbing entrepreneur you expected him to be. After the kids were born, she never regained her girlish figure as you hoped. The social butterfly you dated has turned into a homebody.

On top of all that, you now realize that your spouse is human, not an angel. He or she makes mistakes, forgets things occasionally, and is sometimes short-tempered with you. How do you handle these disappointing changes and unwelcome surprises, great and small?

When you are trying to accept your spouse, try to remember how God responds to us in our weaknesses and failure. We are painfully aware of our own fumbling and bumbling as his children. But consider these passages from God's Word describing God's heart towards saints who are not always saintly:

• Psalm 103:1-3 (NLT), "Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases."
• Psalm 103:8-10 (NLT), "The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve."
• Psalm 130:3-4 (NLT), "Lord, if you kept a record of our sins, who, O Lord, could ever survive? But you offer forgiveness, that we might learn to fear you."
• Ephesians 1:7-8 (NLT), "He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding."
• 1 John 1:9 (NLT), "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness."

How does God respond to us in our imperfection? He doesn't look down his nose at us. He doesn't condemn us or ridicule us. He doesn't distance himself from us. He doesn't compare us to someone who may be more disciplined or mature. He accepts us, just as we are, warts and all. How can he do it? The apostle Paul wrote, "Be kind to each other, tenderhearted forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you" (Ephesians 4:32). God forgives you and accepts you because you are in Christ.

How does it make you feel to know that God loves you unconditionally, even when you may have trouble loving yourself? It's a great feeling, isn't it? This is how your spouse feels when you accept him or her despite his or her changes, imperfections and failures. What a privilege to serve our spouses as Christ has served us.

So, here's the drill today. Think about which areas you need to be less critical and more accepting of your spouse. Maybe it's your spouse's appearance, behavior, or weaknesses.

Then, take the ten minute challenge. Set a timer for ten minutes and write down all the positives you can think of about your spouse in that time. Then either carry the list with you or put it up somewhere you can see it - to remind you of all the things you love about your spouse.

Take the risk. Ask God to help you love and accept your spouse unconditionally. Love your mate even if he or she annoys you, even if he or she disappoints you, even if he or she doesn't deserve your love. Love your spouse with the kind of love that Christ shows you.